GoateeDefinition: A small, sometimes pointed, beard.
Parts of speech: Noun
Spike the Amazing Chicken - by George Smith
TV Host: Good morning, kids!
Welcome to The Cowboy George Show, the show from
out West that brings you stories about interesting people
I am Cowboy George, your host.
TV Host: We are visiting a ranchette. Do you know what
a ranchette is? It's a small ranch - not a lot of land, but
enough to raise a small number of animals - and this
ranchette has horses, a pig, goats, ponies, dogs, a cat,
cockatiels, a rabbit, and chickens.
Come on in, and take a look.
TV Host: And, speaking of chickens, I would like you to
meet Spike, our special guest today.
As you can see, Spike is a chicken...
Spike: And no ordinary chicken, either.
TV Host: Yes, I mean no, not an ordinary chicken at all.
As you will soon find out.
TV Host: This is a picture of the family that lives
TV Host: OK, your adopted family. Here is your
mother...I mean, your adopted mother... Janice, and your
father Gary, and your sister Gianina and brothers Nic,
Jon-Marco, and Zach.
Spike: I don't like Zach.
TV Host: Excuse me?Spike: I don't like Zach. He makes jokes about having
TV Host: Oh, I'm sure he's kidding. You know how kids
like to tease.
TV Host: How?Spike:Early one morning, just last month, Janice came
TV Host: Now, wait a minute. How could you tell which
bowl was Zach's? Are you psychic or something?
TV Host: Oh come on!Spike: OK, his name was on the bowl. So I quickly ate
Spike: Soon all the kids came down for breakfast. Zach
Spike: Then the dog came in, looked at his empty bowl,
TV Host: Very funny story, Spike. I can't wait to tell
TV Host: Only kidding, Spike. I won't tell anyone.
Viewers, don't go away-we'll be right back with more of
Spike, right after this commercial!
TV Host: Boys, pull that commercial, NOW! It's ok,
Spike. It was on a seven second delay - no one saw it.
TV Host: Forgive me, Spike. It won't happen again.
Let's change the subject.
TV Host: Spike, how did you get your name?Spike:Gianina named me. Look at me - do you see the
TV Host: Yes Spike, you are one beautiful chicken. (And
would look very nice roasting in my oven, thought the
TV Host: Spike, where do you live on this ranchette?Spike: Anywhere I want to.
TV Host: Well, exactly where do you consider home?Spike: The chicken and goat pen over there.
TV Host: Where the other chickens are?Spike: Of course. Haven't you ever heard the expression
TV Host: I take it you don't always stay in the chicken
TV Host: But I see a fence and a gate. How do you get
TV Host: Oh come on, Spike!Spike:Okay. This is how I do it. See the wire fence? I hop
TV Host: Very clever. Once you get out, what do you
TV Host: You're kidding!Spike:Duuuuh.
TV Host: Duuuuh? That's a word humans use.Spike: Not anymore. Actually, there is something very
TV Host: How?Spike: Like this: Cock-a-doodle-do!
TV Host: But that's the sound a rooster makes, and you
are a hen, not a rooster.
TV Host: Does it work?Spike: Yes, it works. As you can see in this picture, all of
Spike:Hammy the pig.
TV Host: Why do you run?Spike: Why do I run? There's 200 pounds of angry pig
Spike: But, there was a problem - the kids were not
TV Host: And how do you animals hustle kids along? I
have kids; I've tried everything, and I can't get them to
move quickly at all in the morning.
TV Host: Feed THEM? You mean "Feed US."Spike: No, I mean feed THEM. Do you think a chicken
TV Host: Well yes, I...Spike: So, you think I'm a dumb cluck? That's it - this
TV Host: Quick boys, run a commercial. Wait, Spike!
Please don't go. I apologize.
TV Host: Please don't leave!Spike: If you will cluck for me, I'll stay.
TV Host: We're on television - I'm a big star - I can't
do that...! Why are you glaring at me? Ok... CLUCK!!
Are you happy now?
TV Host: How did it happen that you don't eat chicken
Spike: One day, I followed Jon-Marco to the back door.
TV Host: Chocolates?Spike: Not really - just wanted to see if you were
TV Host: Tell me more.Spike: I think it's my duty to look out for the other
TV Host: I see - should I call you Dr. Chicken?Spike: Call me Dr. Spike. Open wide, and say, "Ahhh!" I
TV Host: I heard you, and I am NOT going to open
wide! We're on television - I'm a big star - I can't do
that! What kind of stress do you mean?
TV Host: You mean giving birth?Spike: Duuuuh. Just last month, Nanny - she's a goat
TV Host: Oh, a goatee.Spike: Very funny.
TV Host: You're a hero!Spike: No. I'm a chick...oh, I see what you mean.
TV Host: Well, kids, we have run out of time for today.
Tune in tomorrow for the rest of our interview with
Spike, the amazing chicken and her family. Bye.
TV Host: Good morning, kids! This is Cowboy George,
your host, welcoming you once again to The Cowboy
George Show. Today we are continuing our visit to the
ranchette where an amazing chicken named Spike lives.
Oh, look - who is this coming toward us?
TV Host: Hi, Jon-Marco. Come on over. Would you be
willing to answer some questions?
Jon-Marco:Sure. I always wanted to be on TV. What do
you want to know?
TV Host: Tell us some things about Spike.
Jon-Marco:Almost every day, after breakfast, Spike visits
the horses. On really hot days, she drinks from their water
tub and stands in their shadows, where it is cooler. On
rainy days, she stands under them to keep dry. Sometimes
she eats their feed, but they don't seem to mind.
Next, she visits the pig. Then she returns to her pen to
visit the goats. And if her favorite goat looks like she is
ready to take her nap, Spike takes her nap too... on the
TV Host: On the goat?Spike: Yes, on the goat... you don't believe me, do you?
TV Host: How can you sleep on the back of a goat?
Won't you fall off?
TV Host: Mercy me! How will I ever get over that?
TV Host: Tell us more, Jon-Marco.
Jon-Marco: One day, I was sitting in the TV room,
watching television. I heard the back door squeak as it
was opened, and I heard a clicking sound as something
walked across the kitchen floor. I knew at once WHAT it
was - chicken feet, and I knew at once WHO it was -
Spike. No other chicken ever comes into the house. I was
curious to see what Spike would do, so I hid behind a
corner of the couch and waited.
Spike walked into the TV room, perched on the sofa, and
appeared to be watching a TV show about animals. There
was a lady grooming her dog, then a guy showing off his
alligator. Then another guy appeared with two beautiful
He talked about how great these birds were, while they
perched on a small tree branch that he brought with him.
When he finished speaking, the birds chirped and
whistled, and one of them made a sound like a dog
barking. The audience applauded enthusiastically. Spike
threw a hissy fit. She squawked loudly and flapped her
wings until the birds disappeared from the screen. Then
Spike left the room.
TV Host: Spike, is that true?
Spike: Yes, it's true. There was this huge dog with a bow
on his tail... I think his name was Chauncey Prince the
Third, and this lady was grooming him.
TV Host: With a name like that, he must have been a
Spike: With a name like that, it should hide. Then
Alligator Man fed his alligator - this ugly scaly lizard-like
thing stuffing food into its mouth - worse than Hammy
the pig! Totally gross!
But what really annoyed me were these birds. They sat
there doing nothing most of the time; then, made some
noises, and the audience gave them this huge round of
applause! For what? If that was talent, I'm a rooster! The
things they put on TV! Terrible!
TV Host: Well, not all TV is terrible!
Spike: Oh really? Name one program that's any good!
TV Host: This one.
Spike: Ummm, yes, that's true. Especially today's show.
TV Host: Jon-Marco, are there more funny stories about
Jon-Marco:Yes. Another day, I came home and walked
into the living room. Spike was sleeping on the horse. I
couldn't believe my eyes...
TV Host: Hold it! I can't believe my EARS. There was
a horse in your living room? A horse?
Jon-Marco: Yes. What's so unusual about that? This IS
the West, and we do love our horses, you know.
TV Host: Yes, but a horse in the living room? What a
mess - your house must smell like a barn!
Jon-Marco: Oh, it's not a real horse; it's a statue. And
perched in the saddle, was Spike, fast asleep. Here - look
at this picture. Are you with me now?
TV Host: Phew!! You had me worried for a moment,
but now I understand. I should have realized that this
happens all the time in our country. I'm sure most of our
viewers have at least one horse in their living rooms with
a sleeping chicken in the saddle and...
Spike:Get real with your humor. I walked into the house
that day to see more TV, but the TV set was off. The
house was quiet, and suddenly, I felt very tired - too
tired to walk all the way outside for my usual goat nap.
Besides, I always wondered what it would feel like to sit
on a saddle. So I hopped up on the arm of the couch,
from there to a shelf, and then onto the rear end of the
horse. I walked to the saddle and sat in it. It was
VERRRY comfortable, and soon I fell asleep. Could they
let me enjoy my nap? Nooooo! I heard a noise, opened
my eyes, and there was Jon-Marco taking pictures.
TV Host: Well, you do make a handsome cowboy, or
whatever you call something with a beak and feathers
sitting on a horse.
(I agree with Zach - she would look better on a barbecue
grill, thought the host.)
Jon-Marco: I have another one for you. One day, I saw Spike talking to a teddy bear. Imagine - Spike thinking a teddy bear was real!
Spike: What!! I did not.
Spike: Did not.
Jon-Marco:Here's the picture.Spike: I knew it wasn't real.
Spike: Did too.
TV Host: Staaaaahp, you two, now! That's enough.
Thank you for stopping by, Jon-Marco. We enjoyed your
Jon-Marco: You're welcome. Let me know if you need a
host to interview rock stars or TV personalities - I'm
TV Host: Spike, what else do you do?
Spike: Lay eggs.
TV Host: Lay eggs?
Spike: Lay turquoise eggs.
TV Host: Lay turquoise eggs?
Spike: Is there an echo in here? Yes, I lay turquoise eggs.
TV Host: Aren't chicken eggs usually brown or white?
Spike: Theirs are.
TV Host: Whose are?
Spike: My pen mates.
TV Host: Why aren't yours?
Spike: I am a CLASSIER chicken. Look at me: I have gold colored feathers among the black, and I can crow like a rooster. So why should I lay ordinary eggs? Look at these.
TV Host: I'm convinced that you're not an ordinary
chicken, but I'll bet even YOU aren't perfect. You must
have gotten in trouble for doing something wrong
sometime in your life.
Spike: Not me. I'm perfect.
TV Host: Aw, come on, Spike.
Spike: OK, I'm not perfect. The cat got mad at me once.
The family left on vacation and the person who came to
feed us didn't realize that I didn't eat chicken feed. I was
hungry and didn't know what to do, so I walked around
to the front porch and smelled something really good. It
came from the cat's dish. I ate most of it.
TV Host: Where was the cat?
Spike: Who knew? Who cared? He wasn't there. Finders
TV Host: How did he find out that you ate his food?
Spike: I made a mistake - I tripped and lost my balance,
and accidentally stepped in the cat's dish and left a claw
mark in the food. No other animal leaves a claw mark like
a chicken, so he figured it out.
TV Host: What did he do about it?
Spike: Hung out by his dish each day, waiting for his
food, and then ate it right away.
Spike: Which reminds me...I got in trouble for some
other some claw prints.
TV Host: Really.
Spike: One day, I walked around to the front porch and
there was a tile man spreading this gray gooey stuff and
carefully placing some tiles in it. I had never seen this
before, so I came closer to watch. When he saw me, he
waved his arms and yelled to shoo me away. It
worked...or so he thought. He should have realized with
WHOM he was dealing!
Anyway I came back after he left, walked across the porch
on the tiles, and then I stepped in the gray stuff. My foot
sank in; it felt cool, and when I removed my foot, guess
what? There was a perfect claw mark, a true work of art,
so I made some more claw prints. They will stay there
forever as proof that Spike was there.
Spike: The next day, Gary came to my pen. He glared at
me, grabbed me, and carried me to the front porch. He
held my head down close to the claw prints, so I could
see them. Then he stood and pointed his finger at my
face, and said in a loud voice, "Bad chicken! Bad chicken!
Bad chicken!" The kids heard this and came running to
the front door; and when they figured out what I had
done, they started laughing hysterically and yelling "Bad
Then Gary realized how funny he looked yelling at a
chicken and he started laughing too, and let me go. But,
I'll tell you - if I had the chance, I would do it again!
TV Host: Very entertaining. Well, it seems that you have
told us about each member of your adopted family except
for Nic. Anything you want to tell us about Nic?
Spike: Oh yes, Nic...I like Nic best of all. He always
handles me gently. He has an egg business, you know -
I think he supports the whole family - and every day,
he comes to collect our eggs, and everyday, I have one for
him. Oh, look - there he goes now to make his
He makes a big fuss over my eggs because they are
turquoise. I heard him tell Janice that mine are more
Spike:And one more thing - the best of all. Nic is the
only one who knows how to put me to sleep. I love it.
TV Host: How do you put a chicken to sleep?
Hmmm...let me guess. You put on soft music, feed it
milk and cookies, and sing to it.
Spike:Your humor is so corny you should be on
televis...oops, you already are.
Anyway, he tucks my head gently under my wing, folds
the wing over my head, and gently rocks me back and
forth, and, before you know it, I am feeling drowsy, and
then I fall asleep. It's awesome!
TV Host: Well Spike, this has been one of the best
interviews I have ever conducted on The Cowboy
George Show. Thank you for allowing me to interview
you, and I wish you the best of cluck - er - luck.
Spike: Thank you too. I enjoyed it, except for the
TV Host: Be sure to tune in next week at this time when
we will interview a little red boat about its journey down
a Maine river. This is Cowboy George signing off.
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