In war time it is a crime to hoard
food, and fines and imprisonment have followed the exposé of such practices. Yet there are hundreds of thousands of individuals all over America who are hoarding food, and that one of the most precious
of all foods! They have vast
amounts of this valuable commodity
stored away in their own anatomy
Now fat individuals have always been considered
a joke, but you are a joke no longer. Instead of being looked upon with friendly tolerance
, you are now viewed with distrust, suspicion
, and even aversion
! How dare
fat when our nation
needs it? You don't dare
to any longer. You never wanted to be fat anyway, but you did not know how to reduce
, and it is proverbial
how little you eat. Why, there is Mrs. Natty B. Slymm, who is beautifully thin
, and she eats twice as much as you do, and does not gain
an ounce. You know positively
that eating has nothing to do with it, for one time you dieted, didn't eat anything but what the doctor ordered, besides your regular meals, and you actually
You are in despair
about being anything but fat, and—! how you hate it. But cheer
up. I will save you; yea, even as I have saved myself and many, many others, so will I save you. It is not in vain
that all my life I have had to fight the too, too solid
. Why, I can remember
when I was a child I was always being consoled by being told that I would outgrow it, and that when I matured I would have some shape
. Never can I tell pathetically "when I was married I weighed only one hundred eighteen, and look at me now." No, I was a delicate
slip of one hundred and sixty-five when I was taken.
I never will tell you how much I have weighed, I am so thoroughly ashamed
of it, but my normal weight
is one hundred and fifty pounds, and at one time there was seventy pounds more of me than there is now, or has been since I knew how to control
it. I was not so shameless as that very long, and as I look back upon that short period
I feel like refunding the comfortable salary
received as superintendent
of an hospital; for I know I was only sixty-five per cent efficient
, for efficiency
decreases in direct proportion
as excess weight
increases. Everybody knows it. The Meeting Is Now Open for Discussion
Jolly Mrs. Sheesasite has the floor and wants some questions answered. You know Mrs. Sheesasite; her husband
recently bought her a pair
"Why is it, Doctor, that thin
people can eat so much more than fat people and still not gain
"First: Thin people are usually more active
than fat people and use up their food. "Second: Thin people have been proved to radiate
fifty per cent more heat
per pound than fat people; in other words, fat people are regular fireless cookers! They hold the heat
in, it cannot get out through
the packing, and the food which is also contained therein goes merrily on with fiendish regularity
, depositing itself as fat.
"And there are baby fireless cookers and children fireless cookers. The same dietetic rules apply
to them as to the adult
Mrs. Tiny Weyaton; then you, Mrs. Knott Little."
"We have heard you say that fat people eat too much, and still we eat so little?"
Yes, you eat too much, no matter
how little it is, even if it be only one bird-seed daily, if you store
it away as fat. For, hearken
; food, and food only (sometimes plus alcohol
) maketh fat. Not water—not air—verily
, nothing but food maketh fat. (And between you and me, Mrs. Weyaton, just confidential
like—don't tell it—we know that the small appetite
story is a myth
Mrs. Knott Little
"But, Doctor, is it not true that some individuals inherit
to be fat, and can not help it, no matter
what they do?"
"Answer to first part—Yes.
"Answer to second part—No! It is not true that they cannot help it; they have to work a little harder, that is all. It is true that being fat is a disease
with some, due to imperfect working of the internal
secretory glands, such as the thyroid, generative glands, etc.; but that is not true fat such as you have. Yours, and that of the other members who are interested
, is due to overeating and under exercising.
"Yes, Mrs. Ima Gobbler?"
Mrs. Ima Gobbler
"But, Doctor dear, what's the use of dieting? I only get fatter after I stop."
"You fat—! You make me fatigued! You never diet long enough to get out of the fireless cooker class. If you did, you wouldn`t
"Is there anyone else who would like to be recognized? No?"
Nothing That I Don't Know
It is well. I will probably
answer more as I go along, for there is nothing that I don't know or haven't studied
or tried in the reducing line. I know everything you have to contend
with—how you no sooner congratulate
yourself on your will power
, after you have dragged yourself by the window with an exposure
fat chocolates with curlicues on their tummies, than another comes into view, and you have it all to go through
with again, and how you finally succumb
I hope sometime it will be a misdemeanor
, punishable by imprisonment, to display
candy as shamelessly as it is done.
parents think that candy causes worms. It doesn't, of course, unless it is contaminated with worm eggs, but, personally, I wish every time I ate a chocolate I would get a worm, then I would escape
them. The chocolates, I mean
. I will tell you more about worms when I discuss
Malicious Animal Magnetism?
Perhaps I was a little too delicate
like in my answer to Mrs. Gobbler's question,—What's the use of dieting, she only gets fatter after she stops?
So many ask me that question, with the further pathetic addition
,—Will they always have to keep it up? And it ever irritates me.
The answer is,—Yes! You will always have to keep up dieting, just as you always have to keep up other things in life that make it worth living—being neat, being kind, being tender
; reading, studying, loving.